Little Wonders

This post is going to be more of a rant, I suppose. Not of anyone specifically, just of things that have been bothering me. You see, I'm starting to lose my patients with all of the pregnancy comments. For example:

"Oh, I see you're drinking ginger ale, does that mean something??"
- Actually, yes. It means that I've had the flu the past few days and I'm trying to settle my stomach.

Or this one:

"I just always see you eating snacks so you must be expecting!"
- Actually, I'm just hungry and now feel like a pig.

I understand these comments are not meant to cause a scene or make me feel uncomfortable. In fact, up till just recently I've been very good at accepting these jokes as they've come at me. I shouldn't be upset or take offence to these comments at all. But, I know a story that probably very few of you do.

Back in May of 2012, I was about half an hour away from finishing my shift and going home for the day. It had been just a normal day at reception, nothing unusual. Then, I felt a wave of nausea rush over me, I felt weak and very faint, and a sharp pain was stabbing my lower abdomen. Trying not to be sick, or to pass out made it the hardest half hour.

My shift ended and I got to the car with Dale waiting inside, ready to take me home. He saw that I was not doing well and knew that something needed to be done. I told him that I would be alright, I just needed to get home right away. Luckily, on our route home, there is a hospital. The pain did not go away, and in fact got worse so I told him to take me there instead.

We got into a room right away and I got laying down. Within minutes, the pain ceased and I was feeling tons better, only tired at that point. The nurses came asking for blood tests and urine samples and needless to say, I obliged.

Because I was feeling so much better than when I had entered the Emergency, they moved me to a spot in the hallway so someone else could have the room. Dale had found some surgical gloves and had been entertaining me when the Doctor on duty came up and said "Did you know that you're pregnant?"

I don't think words can describe the pure joy that went through my body in that moment. I looked from her, to my husband and said in my mind, "I'm pregnant!" I had waited for that moment for as long as I could remember. What did I want to be when I grew up? A mom. This was our time for our dream to come true. We had prayed and waited for the right time for us and it was now!

They wanted to keep me in the ER overnight to do some test as to where the pain was coming from and to do an ultrasound to see how the pain affected the pregnancy. At this point I was all for staying in the ER, all due to the amazing news I'd received not only minutes earlier.

We were all giggles and smiles, that is, until the ultrasound. No matter how reassuring Doctor's and nurses try to be, the sight of bleeding while pregnant, is never a good encounter. That was when I knew that I wasn't going to be pregnant for many days longer.

I went and got the blood tests done that my doctor asked of me, I had my ultrasounds completed, and a few days later, we miscarried.

Those were hard days to follow for me and my husband. The only comfort that I could find was in crying on Dale's shoulder, and praying severely, mightily, and humbly to my Heavenly Father. I couldn't help but think, "This is the time you told me that we could start our family. We waited until the time was right for us. We are trying to keep your commandments. What did I do wrong?" Of course, nothing we did was wrong. And maybe I'll never know why we were to miscarry.

But in those days of pain, sorrow, and loss, I have never felt so much love and understanding from my husband, my family, and from my Heavenly Father. I used those days to pour out all my thoughts and feelings to my Heavenly Father and he gave me the comfort and the peace that I needed, and still need, to pick myself up again and continue on.

I know the stereotype that newlyweds are supposed to get pregnant right away and that it brings about the curiosity in peoples minds' and some just can't help but to comment about it. But sometimes, there are things about people that they don't let you see or know about. Sometimes your comments bring up those hardships that they've gone through and it's not very pleasant for them to go through again.

I learned that I would talk about it when I was ready to, and I would confide in people that I wanted to. When I did feel ready to let my family know what had gone on, I realized that many had experiences like what I was going through. I had the opportunity to talk with a beautiful young momma, my sister-in-law, who had experienced that same hardship as I did, after wanting it for as long as she could remember, like me. She didn't tell me about how "1 in 5 women experience a miscarriage on her first pregnancy", or how "lots of women go through it." She made sure that I knew that I was loved. By her, by my family, and most importantly, God. I know I thanked her for her words of wisdom but I don't think she knows about the comfort and peace of mind that she provided me with on that one afternoon.

I didn't write this blog for sympathy, or for attention. I wrote it because it is a part of my life that has had a profound impact on me. I wrote it because it is an experience that I don't want to forget, no matter how painful it was at the time. I wrote this for me, and for my future family when looking back on my life. I wrote this to grow from it.

Needless to say, I am in no means giving up. This experience is going to make a successful pregnancy so much more joyful for me. I am ready for the joy that will come with my posterity. My time is going to come when I get to be a mother. My babies are going to know a love that knows no bounds.

I think this quote sums it all up very nicely:

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

- Kahlil Gibran